I always knew I’d breastfeed, right from the word go. It’s the most natural thing in the world and when asked by my midwife if I would the only answer was ‘YES’. A breast feeding peer supporter arranged a visit at my home when I was pregnant to go through the ins and outs of breast feeding, we spoke about it all and after much researching there really wasn’t anything new she could tell me. My mind was set and I would do this. A lot of my peers would say “If you can breast feed then do it, but don’t put that pressure on yourself. Lots of women come across problems and can’t” This was never a thought in my mind; problems? I would think. Not me, I’ll do just fine.
My delivery was a traumatic one, a very fast labour but Ruby was in the ‘wrong’ position and after 2 hours of serious pushing on gas and air alone it was evident there was a problem. I was rushed to theatre and given a spinal block and with the assistance of forceps I was finally able to push our 6lb 12oz bundle of joy into the world!
After being stitched up due to a 3rd degree tear and an episiotomy we finally got our skin-to-skin, and breast feeding commenced. Ruby knew what to do and was very peaceful and content on the breast, suckling every couple of hours. I did find it a little uncomfortable but thought that was normal and would pass as I got used to the sensation. Due to my blood loss I was placed on HDU where I was monitored for 12 hours. When they were satisfied that I was okay I was moved onto a ward at 1am and left alone, just me and my gorgeous little girl. She was placed in her crib and I was told by the nurse not to have her in bed with me, but to ring when she needed feeding as I couldn’t get her myself due to the catheter. So, every couple of hours she was placed in my arms and continued to feed well or so I thought. The midwives kept checking her latch and positioning and everyone agreed that things were great. Wow! I thought, I’m really doing this and it’s fantastic!
The following tea time after all Ruby’s checks including a feeding check I was sent home. I had spent a whole 30 hours in hospital and couldn’t believe my luck that I was actually allowed to leave. Things seemed to be ok with Ruby’s feeding, every couple of hours she would suckle and sleep. She did seem a very tired baby but the hospital did warn me that most forceps assisted babies were very sleepy, as long as she fed frequently that was fine.
Day 3 came and in the morning my lovely midwife came to weigh Ruby. There was concern as she had lost 12.05% of her birth weight making her 5lb 15oz. In the space of a couple of hours she had also become very sleepy, floppy and was so yellow I could have sworn Homer Simpson was her dad! She was also struggling to feed on the breast, so my OH went out and bought a pump to spoon feed her colostrum. By the end of the day Ruby and I were admitted back into the hospital.
We were placed on a ward and I was handed an electric pump and instructed to pump as much as I could. The paediatricians told me Ruby was one step away from a feeding tube in SCUBU, and if I couldn’t pump 75ml to feed her by bottle every 1 ½ hours then I would have to give her formula. Although I was devastated; I took what the specialists said as gold. They were the experts and knew what they were saying and that was good enough for me. However, this didn’t stop me from having a breakdown on the ward. I felt like a complete failure, all I ever wanted was to breast feed. After this I was placed in my own room. Ruby was given light treatment in an incubator which was placed in my room, she was in there for 48 hours and taken out every 1 ½ hours for feeding. I continued to pump every hour but could only manage to get 50ml so I had to top up the feed with formula.
Day 4 came and so did my milk. I woke up with incredible pain in both breasts and looked like I’d had breast enhancements overnight; my breasts were all swollen and engorged. I tried to pump but it was so painful, every time the pump went on my breast the milk just wouldn’t flow. I was advised to use hot compress on my breasts either with a flannel or in the shower. Each time I had a shower the milk would pour out of me but when I tried to pump nothing would come out.
I kept asking for help from the midwives to get Ruby on the breast but all I got was a knitted boob and a very poor ‘demonstration’ on how to get the correct latch. The next lady to enter my room seemed to be the answer to our prayers, an angel in disguise…She was a nursery nurse who had breast fed both her children; after explaining what was happening and how much I wanted to breast feed she came to my rescue. She physically held Ruby into place on my swollen engorged breast, Ruby’s mouth opened and she latched on Result! A few minutes into the feed I experienced some severe pain. Like a burning stinging sensation in my nipple. I latched Ruby off and my nipple was white on the end and a very peculiar shape, like a lipstick. The lady who was helping me could see I was in pain and thought to try a nipple shield, this didn’t work very well. My nipple was very squashed and even more painful, a very hot stinging sensation to boot. We persevered like this for most of the day and kept trying to pump in between. Although I could see how full of milk I was I could only ever get 20 to 30ml of breast milk, which I was advised to cup feed to Ruby so as not to confuse the teat of the bottle with breast. That evening I was drained and very exhausted and had to result to formula yet again.
Day 5 came and my breasts were beyond painful, I couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone was sat on my chest, my armpits ached and I was burning up. I felt very sick and feverish. The midwives sent a doctor to see me and he diagnosed mastitis. By this point my nipples were also cracked and bleeding and the thought of Ruby or a pump going anywhere near them filled me with dread and fear. I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life. The doctors prescribed me antibiotics and kept telling me to massage my breasts. There was no way I was touching them and certainly had no clue how to begin to massage them anyway. I pleaded with the midwives to help me massage them but they told me they weren’t allowed but could show me, so out popped the knitted boob and yet another poor ‘demonstration’. At this point one of the midwives suggested using cabbage leaves against my breasts to draw out the milk. Some of the other midwives thought this suggestion was ridiculous BUT I was prepared to try anything. So my OH went to the shops and provided me with said cabbages. I placed them against my breasts and wore them like cups of a bra; the relief of the coldness against my skin was heaven! And as they warmed up and got replaced I found pools of milk inside them. The cabbage leaves were in effect extracting the milk out my breasts.
Day 6 arrived after a hellish night of more agony, no sleep and my continued effort to feed or pump. At this point I was beaten….I couldn’t do this and had to admit defeat. I spoke to the paediatrician who had now given Ruby a clean bill of health due to her 6oz weight gain and treated jaundice. She told me not to feel guilty and that once the mastitis had cleared up maybe I could try to breast feed again. She told me of a drug that could be taken to get my milk going if I needed it. Once the paediatrician had gone the midwife told me there was no such drug in her experience of 20 years in midwifery.
So that was me totally beaten, and headed back home with my swollen breasts, my non yellow healthy baby and off to the shops to buy bottles and formula. From this point on Ruby was fully formula fed and the self-loathing and guilt had well and truly set in. In between formula I did keep putting Ruby to my breast and every time I did I would cry with agony. My breast feeding peer support worker visited regularly to try to help; she was another one of the angels sent my way. She would observe Ruby’s latch and everything seemed spot on. So why was I still in agony? I watched numerous you tube videos on correct latch, read numerous articles on positioning, tried everything suggested, and still this excruciating pain was there. I was given tremendous emotional support from my family who tried to make me feel less guilty about not being able to breast feed, but still the guilt and upset was there. I felt like a big fat failure of a mummy.
Over the next four weeks I continued to feed Ruby formula and had more or less given up any hope of ever breast feeding successfully, even though I would always offer breast and struggle along in pain. Ruby didn’t respond well to formula, she would constantly pull off the bottle and made an awful ‘clicking’ sound when she sucked. She became constipated, vomited frequently and suffered with colic. She would scream in agony after a feed, constantly had hiccups and would never settle at night.
Then I met my next angel who I knew from the bounty forum. This lovely lady pointed me in the direction of yet another angel Charlotte IBCLC from Milk Matters http://milkmatters.org.uk/ I called Charlotte and arranged to travel to her, luckily she was only an hour away. Charlotte instantly suspected tongue tie when she saw Ruby. She told me it was no wonder I was getting the pain and symptoms that I was. Finally! An answer, there was a reason I couldn’t breast feed successfully, I wasn’t a nutcase! Part of me felt relieved that I now knew what the problem was but most of me was furious! I had been let down monumentally by health care professionals. Paediatricians and midwives…the kind of people who are supposed to know this kind of stuff. The level and advice I received from Charlotte was in short – amazing. I was more than happy to hand over the small fee and would happily pay five times that amount for the results we got where the NHS had failed us. Charlotte informed me that I could either visit my GP or Health Visitor and be referred through the NHS or see a private lactation consultant who specialises in tongue tie and frenulotomy procedure (division of tongue tie).
That afternoon my Health visitor arrived for Ruby’s 4 week check-up. I informed her of everything that had been happening over the last month, including seeking advice on how to go about getting referred to have the tongue tie looked at and snipped. Although my health visitor seemed a friendly and polite lady her response was totally unacceptable. She told me that she couldn’t do anything to help, that she had no idea what tongue tie was, and that she couldn’t even help me with breast feeding as she and I quote “didn’t ‘do’ breast feeding”; and to see my GP. Yes people! This is a Health Care professional *face palm*. I promptly burst into tears and just felt so alone, how could I get any help if I kept running into brick walls. Because I was upset my HV took me to one side away from my oh and asked if I was ok? Did I need some support? And that maybe I was suffering with PND? She told me that this was something she could help with, after all PND is what she was trained in! WTF?! I was speechless!
So the next morning I made an appointment with my GP, I was a little nervous as it wasn’t with the GP I normally see and like. I for the hundredth time explained everything and he laughed! Yes…that’s laughed! Actually threw his head back and laughed at me. He said that tongue tie wasn’t a proven problem and that it certainly didn’t have an effect on breast feeding. He asked me why I had wasted an appointment that could have been for someone that really needed to see a GP. Can you imagine? the rage, the despair, the upset that I felt? Because I can remember it like it was yesterday. I sobbed to him that all I wanted to do was breast feed my baby, that formula was causing her massive problems and that no one would help me! That this appointment was an emergency and the issue needed dealing with now. He said that Ruby was gaining weight now and that formula was fine, and to continue to feed her formula. He did however get a senior GP to come and give me a second opinion. This GP looked inside Ruby’s mouth and as she could stick her tongue out he decided that… no she wasn’t tongue tied. I stressed my points and mine and Ruby’s symptoms to him. He said that he could contact a doctor at the children’s hospital to discuss it, but the chance of a tongue tie snip in Sheffield was very doubtful. Apparently Sheffield and I quote again “didn’t ‘do’ tongue tie”. I was also asked if maybe I was suffering from PND? Are you for real! *bangs head against a wall*.
I took it upon myself to enquire with Charlotte about the lactation consultant, and met another angel….Ann Dobson RN IBLCE http://www.ann-dobson.co.uk/ an independent lactation consultant who divides tongue tie for Milk Matters. Ann arrived at my home the next day and diagnosed an 85% tongue tie, I was really nervous about Ruby having the procedure and Ann reassured me that it really wasn’t painful and over in seconds. I was so nervous that I had to get my mum to hold Ruby in place whilst the snip was being done, I couldn’t even watch and felt sick. A few seconds later the snip was over with very minimal bleeding, and although Ruby was crying she was placed on my breast and took seconds to calm down. As I braced myself for that horrible pain, something truly amazing happened….she suckled and there was zero pain, nothing! I couldn’t quite believe it but it was like a switch had been flicked. She was still making the clicking sound when she sucked but Ann reassured me that after a few days once Ruby had got used to using her very mobile tongue that would stop. I was so amazed by the fact that the effect of the having the procedure done was that instant. How could my GP say that tongue tie had no effect on breast feeding? I was walking, talking proof that it clearly did.
Ann went through some exercises that need to be done on Ruby’s tongue to keep the movement fluid and make sure that the snip didn’t re-join. She also checked my breasts and came up with a plan on how to get my milk going again, she did warn me that some women don’t ever manage to get their milk back once it had dried up. After everything we had been through, to get this far and not be able to breast feed again just wasn’t an option. I am known for my stubborn nature and this is where it would pay off, I would try anything to make sure it happened. Ann also advised that I take the drug domperidone; a side effect of this drug is lactation. You can buy this drug over the counter but she wrote instructions to my GP and advised me to go to them and get some on prescription. Alongside this drug I would need to pump with a double hospital grade pump every two hours and make sure that Ruby was put to the breast as often as possible.
So off to my GP’s I went again but to see a different doctor. I filled him in on the situation and gave him Ann’s note about domperidone. He very reluctantly prescribed me some domperidone but only enough for 3 days. And although I was disheartened about this it was a start and I could always buy some more over the counter if needed. My breast feeding peer support worker also arranged for me to loan the breast pump that I needed.
And so operation ‘get my milk back’ commenced….. When I look back at this time I really think I was slightly crazy for doing what I did. I did pump EVERY two hours without fail around the clock, so even when Ruby was fast asleep I still got up and pumped. At first I was only getting drips of milk and every time I put Ruby to my breast she would fuss and cry, I’m sure she was getting frustrated with the meagre amount of milk I was producing. I continued to take domperidone and had to spend a small fortune over the counter. I also took Fenugreek, ate lots and lots of oats and drank a lot of mother’s Milk tea all of which increase milk supply. A week later and 120 minutes of solid pumping I was starting to see an improvement and getting 2/3oz of milk which Ruby was receiving by bottle. She was still doing great on the breast but not quite there yet and was still having top ups with formula but we had come such a long way in only a week.
May 30th 2011 is a day I’ll never forget and just as significant as the day Ruby was born. This is the day that Ruby successfully became exclusively breast fed. No more bottles, no more formula, just me my breasts and my daughter. Two weeks of two hourly pumping, constant encouragement of putting Ruby to the breast and we were finally here! Ruby was exactly 7 weeks old. She had spent the first couple days on the breast and then formula fed for 5 weeks, combination fed for 2 weeks and now I was feeding her in the way nature intended and it was bliss.
I was monumentally let down by all the health care professionals around me but I went out of my way to find people who could help. I paid privately and can honestly say I would pay seven times that amount, it was money well spent. You can’t put a price on your own child’s wellbeing. The support I received from all my angels mentioned was truly amazing and can never be more thankful for their input.
Ruby is nearly 11 months old and still breast fed (as I type that I am grinning from ear to ear J). It’s been an emotional journey with many ups and downs, and I’m so glad we came out the other side a success story.
